Copyright 2012 By A. Rozelle
I knew I loved him; was in love with him…the way he touched me; every kiss, every lick. I can’t even explain what it did to me when he whispered my name while he was inside me. The feel of him sent me into overdrive and never failed to push me right over the edge. So why—when his lips touched my skin, and his hands caressed my thighs, stroking until my legs parted, my back arched and I didn’t think I’d be able to wait one second longer—did I keep seeing her face?
When I felt his fingers sliding inside me with ease, why couldn’t I stop myself from imagining those fingers were hers? I heard the sounds of heavy breathing and moaning, not sure if they were coming from him or me; or was it her voice I was hearing, driving me past ecstasy to a destination unknown? And when I felt as though I was leaving my body and entering the realm of complete abandon, I moved under him as though I wanted to escape, knowing I could never stop, and I whispered softly, “Oh Nic.”
“What the fuck?” David stopped mid-stroke and looked down at me.
Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
“Who the fuck is Nick?” He pulled out then….and I fell to Earth and slammed back into my body. Shit.
“I, um…huh?” I asked, stalling for time. What should I say? How was I gonna fix this?
“Somethin’ you wanna tell me?” He asked, getting up from the bed and reaching for his clothes.
“I…Nic is nobody, I was just…” Shit! I could not even begin to explain this shit if I wanted to.
“You were just what Janelle?” He looked more hurt than mad, which surprised me, because I never thought he saw our relationship as anything more than casual. I guess that’s why I was so in love with him…I know. I know. It’s fucked up, but I have issues that include falling in love with unavailable men.
“I know we’re not together or anything, but you could have told me you were fuckin’ some other dude.” He grabbed the rest of his clothes and walked through the bedroom door. I wanted to stop him, but I still had no idea what to say. I threw on my robe and followed him down the stairs.
“I’m not fuckin’ anybody but you!” I had finally regained my sense and was starting to get a little pissed myself. It’s ironic that I became the one with the attitude, considering this situation was kinda my bad. I continued, growing more irritated with every word.
“Not that it should matter to your ass anyway. I hear from you on the weekends. Period. Like the rest of the week doesn’t exist. And not even every weekend at that!” I put my hands on my hips.
“You barely acknowledge me in public, like you don’t want anybody to know you talk to me. When we do hang out, you act like I’m bothering you and if I am, by some act of God, or Congress, or the damn President- granted the pleasure of having sex with you- you break your neck leaving here so I’ll be sure not to ask you any “relationship” questions. What, exactly are you so upset about?”
At that point, I had to take a deep breath to calm myself down because I was yelling, and (me being a lady and all), that was just not cool.
“YOU are the one who said you didn’t know what you wanted. YOU are the one who said you wouldn’t be able to give me the kind of relationship I wanted. I say ‘I love you’ and you say “thank you”. What the fuck is that all about? And now YOU wanna know who I’m sleeping with? You know what- GET THE FUCK OUT!!!”
Sooooo, you ever have the feeling you’ve gone just one sentence too far, but then you realize it’s a little too late to take it back?
Without saying another word, David opened the front door, walked out and quietly shut it behind him. I stood there, mad because I stayed in this bullshit-ass “friendship with benefits” way longer than I should have, and frustrated because, in spite of that fact- I was still in love with him, and feeling guilty because I had hurt him (even though he had hurt me too many times to count) and utterly confused, because what David didn’t know was that Nic was short for Nicole, and that although I wasn’t fucking her, I wanted to—more than I had ever wanted to fuck anybody in my life.
At the time of the “incident” with David, I’d known Nic for all of about four weeks. When she breezed into the break room of Deidrich’s —the high-end department store we both work at—to make herself a cup of coffee, I noticed her immediately. She was gorgeous. I was sitting with an irritating male co-worker who’d been trying to fuck me for the past two years. He was all up in my grill, so I had to make sure I didn’t study her too long. I had to take a quick inventory.
She had the most beautiful, light-brown eyes. Not the fake, colored contact brown; it was more like the light was constantly shining in them. She was a rich shade of hazelnut, with heart-shaped lips. Her shiny, inky-black hair was pulled back into a simple bun that sat at the nape of her neck. She looked to be about a 34DD and she was tall—about 5’10”, with a big ass, a small waist and the longest, curviest legs…
“I love your dress,” I told her. I didn’t know why I was making conversation. I guess I wanted to hear her voice. “Is that Carolina Herrera?”
“It is,” she said, smiling. Her voice reminded me of syrup, dripping slowly from the bottle, thick, sweet and a little deeper than I would have expected. The correct word to describe it would be sultry.
I nodded. “I love the prints she uses. They’re so feminine and colorful.”
“I agree,” she told me, sitting down at the table. “I’m kind of into Donna Karan this season as well.”
I guess the girly clothing talk was too much for my office stalker, because he got up and left the room.
“Thank God,” I said, rolling my eyes when he was gone. She laughed and held out her hand.
“I’m Nicole Stevens. I just started. They have me in housewares for now, but hopefully that will change soon.” Now it was her turn to roll her eyes. I laughed.
“Yeah,” I commiserated with her. “Housewares is where they send dreams to die. I’m Janelle,” I told her, shaking her hand. It was unbelievably soft and warm.
“Well, Janelle,” she said, rising from her seat and stressing my name like she was happy to be saying it, “it was nice meeting you….and scaring off your potential boyfriend.” She giggled.
“Not in this lifetime,” I said, rolling my eyes again. “It was nice meeting you too Nicole.”
“Please, call me Nic,” she told me. “All my friends do.”
I don’t know why, but I was glad to be counted among her friends.
Over the next couple of weeks, I heard less and less from David (if that was possible) and I had some time to really think about what I wanted. Why were all of my “relationships” with these assholes? What was it about me that was attracting these guys? What kind of signal was I giving off that made them think of me as temporary, disposable or just plain not worth common courtesies like calling to cancel dates, or letting me know they were back together with their exes? What the hell?
At the same time, I was noticing myself watching Nic more often. I was trying to be discreet, because you never know who’s sitting around, trying to dig up gossip to spread, especially in as small a world as Deidrich’s can be. I found myself following her down the hallway with my eyes, or noticing how amazing her legs looked in this dress or that skirt. She was very feminine. I liked that about her.
Being a “girly” girl myself, I like my skirts and stilettos, but I definitely feel just as comfortable in jeans and sneakers. Nic didn’t appear to own any of either. She even came to the company picnic in a linen skirt-set, her Coach sandals showcasing perfectly pedicured toes.
One night, tipsy from emptying a bottle of Chardonnay by myself, I realized it had been over two months since I’d had sex and I was horny as hell. I thought about calling David, but couldn’t bring myself to get involved in the same old bullshit again. I had been lying to myself and to him. I knew good and damn well he didn’t want a relationship and I also knew it wasn’t okay with me that we basically just got together to have sex. For some reason, I was just sick and tired of it all. I went to bed.
By my damn self.
Once I hit the sheets, I realized something. Not only did I not need to have David physically in my bed to fuck him (I usually have to finish myself off anyway once he went to sleep anyway), I could handle my own needs.
By my damn self.
I pulled out my vibrator and tried to picture David’s face, his hands, his mouth…I was starting to relax, but I knew from the way things were going that I wasn’t going to get where I needed to go to relieve the pressure that had been building up the last few weeks.
Suddenly, I pictured Nic’s face and I felt myself getting wetter and wetter. As I imagined her kissing me, touching me and thought about me doing the same things to her, I felt a tickling sensation that started at my toes and worked its way up my legs. When my pussy tightened around the vibrator, I called her name again, on purpose this time… “Oh Nic…”
Working with Nic became damn near impossible. We chatted occasionally in the break room about a little of nothing. I told her about David and the rest of my idiot “sort of “boyfriends. She would just nod and interject occasionally, saying things like: “Yup. Been there…” or “Dating is terrible”, but she never mentioned whether or not she was seeing someone. I’d never been with a woman before, and I’d never been in a relationship with one, but it began to feel like I was falling for Nic.
The whole thing was really starting to fuck with me. Although I’d been attracted to women in the past, it never even occurred to me to actually do anything about it. Hell, I was so obsessed with the idea of having the perfect hetero relationship, what was on the other side never really entered my mind. I began to wonder if maybe the reason none of my relationships with men were working out was because I was playing for the wrong team. Or maybe I should be playing for both? I also wondered if maybe I had always been bisexual and just never really known until now. When you’re bisexual, can you just skate in-between both worlds, skimming along the surface until you’ve found the one you want?
I always thought it was disrespectful to loiter on the fence, trying to have the best of both worlds and dipping and dabbling (as my grandmother used to say), experimenting to find out what suits you best —but what if you honestly don’t know? Isn’t there a trial period, or a grace period where you have free access to both heteroland and gayworld?
I wasn’t sure about any of this, but I did know that I could hardly think when I was at work, just knowing Nic was somewhere in the building, looking lovely and smelling so sweet. By now, I was getting wet just thinking about her, I masturbated to the thought of her so often.
On the last day of the month, Nic and I were scheduled to close, since the regular closers were in a mandatory meeting at the corporate office. Nic was wearing a pale pink, silk jacket over a cream DKNY dress and pale pink sling-backs with cream accents. The girl could dress her ass off. Her hair was down, which was rare, with just a simple part in the middle. It fell around her shoulders in loose curls. I was admiring her ensemble at lunch, and my mind went on a trip of its own.
I imagined myself removing her jacket, unzipping her dress and kissing every inch of her body until she begged me to give her everything I had. I was actually feeling her hair brush against my legs while we 69’d…. I realized I must have been staring a little longer than I should have when I saw her frown and turn away.
“Oh shit” I thought. “She probably thinks I’m some kind of weirdo.” I avoided her the rest of the day.
“I am such an idiot,” I berated myself. “Any girl as beautiful as her can have anybody she wants. And here I am, probably asking to get jumped in the parking lot, staring like some kind of perv…ugh!” I was sooooo embarrassed. And I had to close with her! I couldn’t wait for the day to be over.
Once the last customer left and the doors were locked, I made sure Nic and I stayed at opposite ends of the store. When all the registers were balanced and departments organized for the next day, I went into the fitting area for one last check.
I noticed some clothes left on hangers in one of the rooms.
“Those should have been returned,” I said to myself. I went in to retrieve them so I could put them on the re-hang wrack.
I knew Nic was standing there before she said anything.
“Is everything okay Nic?” I didn’t hear her come up behind me so much as I felt her presence. When I smelled her perfume, I knew she was closer than she should be. I turned to face her.
“No… It’s not.” She bit her bottom lip.
“What is it?” So she had caught me looking at her earlier. And now she was upset. Shit!
“Well, it’s just…” She paused and took a deep breath. “I know you’re straight, and that you have a boyfriend or whatever. And I don’t want to be disrespectful, but I’m…” she stopped and I could tell she was debating whether or not to finish.
“Go on,” I told her. Oh no- she was upset with me.
“I’m sooooo attracted to you.”
I blinked. Hard. I wasn’t sure I’d heard her correctly. She rushed on.
“I’ve been trying not to make it too obvious, I mean, it really bothers some women to find out another woman is interested. I just had to tell you so I can sleep at night. I was looking at you earlier, your lips; they’re just so…you really are beautiful. I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable. And I really hope this won’t make it hard for us to work together.”
I was so shocked, I couldn’t say anything at first. I guess she took my silence to mean I was upset with her.
“Look, I’m really sorry,” she said, backing toward the door. “I just-”
I silenced her with a kiss. Any thought that she might protest was erased when she reached behind me and started to rub my back. Her lips were warm and tasted so sweet. I pulled her bottom lip into my mouth and sucked it gently. She pulled away, breathless.
“I’ve wanted to do this since I first met you,” she gasped, hands moving down slowly until she rested them on my ass. She pulled me closer.
“Me too,” I whispered. I felt the bow in back of my dress come undone and cool air hit my skin as the fabric slid to the floor. I took Nic’s jacket off and hung it on the hook to my right. We undressed each other delicately, taking the time to kiss each new part as it was exposed.
Nic turned me around and slowly began to knead my breasts from behind. She rubbed her thumbs over both of my nipples at once and I was so wet I could feel the liquid running down my legs. She licked the spot on the back of my neck that hypnotizes me. I moaned with pleasure.
When Nic started kissing my back, I shivered. She kissed lower still, taking the time to gently bite my ass; I put both hands on the mirror in front of me to brace myself. She lifted my right leg and placed it on the stool that was meant for holding purses and discarded items and buried her face between my legs. She had to hold me steady because I almost fainted.
When I felt her tongue, licking and probing my slit from the back, I had to tell myself to breathe. The sensations that shot through my body caused my back to arch and I almost screamed, until, that is, I remembered where we were.
“Nic baby-.” I wasn’t surprised at how easily the term of endearment slipped from my lips, given the fact that I had been calling her that in my dreams for weeks.
“We can’t do this here.”
“We’re the last two in the store and it’ll be a good thirty minutes before security makes it over here.” She sounded like maybe she had been thinking about this for some time.
“I can’t wait to have you cum in my mouth…not one more minute.” She went back to work and it wasn’t more than thirty seconds before she got her wish. Exploding like a long-dormant volcano, I came with my whole being, as she caught every drop with her tongue. She blew softly on my clit to help ease the pressure.
I had no words for what I was feeling. I almost wanted to cry because I felt so…relieved. It was like I had finally found what had been missing my whole life. I’d been with my share of men, and I’d had plenty of really good sex. Some of it was even great- but I had never felt so satisfied in my life.
Once I caught my breath, I turned around to look into her beautiful eyes.
“I want you.” I said simply.
“You got it luv.” Nic sat down on the stool and opened her legs wide. My heart skipped a little and my stomach jumped when I saw how creamy and wet she was. It looked like her pussy was covered with satin. I had no idea how to do it- but I knew I wanted to taste her…and right away.
I knelt in front of her and kissed her thighs. Her skin felt like silk against my lips. I could smell her perfume and the way it mixed with her natural scent made me high. I was immediately addicted.
“Ummmmmmmmm….” Nic exhaled a long, throaty moan.
Once I sucked her clit into my mouth and tasted her, I knew there was no turning back. I kissed and licked every part of her, using my entire tongue and gently nibbled the outer lips of her pussy, grazing them softly with my teeth. Nic was grabbing handfuls of my hair and fucking my face. I never, ever wanted this to end.
“Oh shit! Yes….yes…” Her eyes were closed tightly. The look on her face was exquisite.
When I felt a slight tremor in her thigh, I knew what was next.
“I’m cumming…oh shit….baby…..ahhhhhhhhhh.”
I plunged a finger inside her and swirled it around until Nic was bucking wildly on the stool. I pulled my finger out and put my hands on her waist to steady her while I sucked softly on her clit until she relaxed again. My lips were covered with her juice. I licked it off slowly, savoring every bit.
When we were able, we both stood and put our clothes back on. Just as we turned off the dressing room lights and headed for the back door, Jessie, the ancient security guard came around the corner.
“How y’all ladies doin’ tonight,” he asked, nodding his head in greeting.
“We’re fine,” we said in unison.
“Y’all sure as hell are,” he muttered under his breath, like we couldn’t hear him.
“What was that?” Nic asked, giving him a hard time. I made a face at her.
“Nothin ma’am. Y’all get home safe now.” He turned and headed toward the front door.
When we made it outside to our cars, Nic pulled me close and kissed me.
“Umm,” she purred. I like the way I taste on your lips.” She pulled away.
“Look, I don’t know what your orientation is, and right about now, I don’t think you do either, but I’m hoping you’ll let me help you figure that out?” She raised her eyebrow questioningly. I had already decided I wouldn’t mind her assistance at all.
“We can start tonight. At my place.” I grabbed a pen and paper from my purse and scribbled down my address.
“See you in about an hour? I just need to make a phone call and get myself together.” Her face lit up.
“Of course. See you then.” She kissed me again and got into her car.
I called David and apologized for what had happened, but explained that I needed to move on, and that I hoped we could still be friends. He said he understood and hung up without saying good-bye. I didn’t give a fuck.
I ran around the house like an excited kid, lighting candles and incense. I turned on the stereo and went to take a nice, hot shower before Nic arrived. I didn’t know what the future held, but for the first time in a long time, I could see myself being with someone in more than just a temporary capacity, and the person I was loving, leaning on and living with- was Nic. As I dressed, pulling out a brand new bra and panty set I’d never had the chance to wear for David, I wondered what all of this meant. Was I a lesbian? Was I experimenting? Was I just losing it? I honestly didn’t know—but I did know my doorbell was ringing, and the potential love of my life was waiting, on the other side….